11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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