Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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