3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
