So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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