Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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