fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
