shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
