ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
