My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
