Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
