Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
