One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
