your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
