im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
