I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
