morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
