My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
