I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
