God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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