Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
