If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
