I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
