I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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