I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Let's paint friendship bongs
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
