Jerry, you need to find god
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
