Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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