I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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