I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
