When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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