I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He did a backflip because drugs
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