I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
