My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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