so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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