If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
