Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
