There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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