on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
