The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
