saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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