theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
