my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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