Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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