well I can't set my house on fire every night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
