literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
