piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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