I puked a lego.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
