You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
