hotel room ftw
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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