I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
