I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
