i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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