whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
