New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
