in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
