Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
