You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
